NAME Conference: Men and Women Relieve Stress Differently
“The right amount of stress allows you to be everything God created you to be. We need to keep stress at a level to be productive.” Bill & Pam Farrel
The following information was shared by Bill & Pam Farrel at the 2014 NAME Marriage Conference.
Women de-stress by talking things out (Stress = like having a meatball land on her pile of spaghetti; she needs to get all the noodles back in place and figure out how to fit the meatball in as well.)
Men create a new box (an easy box), figure it out, put a lid on it and don’t go back there.
Women need to find some REALLY good girlfriends 🙂
- Give some type of warning that our stress level is rising to dangerous levels (Pasta Princess)
- When one thing is wrong in a woman’s life, everything is wrong. Take your thoughts captive. (Stop. What’s the truth? Something I love about my husband is something that’s irritating me.)
- When we look at our husbands and it seems like they’re doing nothing, we have to remember they are recharging by going to their “easy” box.
Galatians 5:13 Serve one another in love. When you bring down the stress in your partner, your needs aren’t necessarily met. Take turns helping each other de-stress.
Bill plays basketball while Pam prays and journals through her feelings.
One way to lower stress is to raise the energy level – motivate one another. Everyone is motivated differently. We need to figure out how each person is motivated:
Extrovert: Act and then wonder if they should have done it based on what happens. Tip: Carry an iPad or smartphone around and write it down so you can read it before you say it. Ask – are we doing what we agreed to do?
Introvert: Constantly holding onto thoughts, get their feelings hurt. Introverts need to remember: Sometimes conversation is just conversation. When we spend time together, do we connect?
Task oriented people: would rather spend time with people AFTER the work is done
People oriented people: Get things done, but are constantly sidetracked by people.
Finding your uniqueness:
- Lover #1 Knight in shining armor; queen of hearts
- Lover #2 The hopeless romantic
- Lover #3 Wind beneath my wings
- Lover #4 True Blue Lover
Lover #1 – Knight in Shining Armor/Queen of Hearts
- -Power
- -Dominant
- -Task oriented
- -Love control
- -Love cooperative environment they create
- -Get on with a decision
Romance: love adventure, no guided tours, hiking, anything they decide, make a list and check it off.
Motivated by control of decisions
Give kids like this options and give them responsibility
Lover #2 – The Hopeless Romantic
- -People
- -Party
- -Popuplar
- -extroverted
- -new adventures
- -center of attention
- -like lots of people
- -fun, not boring
- -Like new experiences
e.g. Peter
Preferences in Romance: anything new, entertainment that is personal and touches the heart, human drama, adventurous outings, exotic getaways
Motivated by public attention
Lover #3 – Wind Beneath My Wings
- -introverted
- -Like to help others succeed
- -Take it as it comes
- -Stress free
- -Time to talk
- -No problem solving
- -Not over-scheduled
- -No high expectations
- -People time
Preferences in Romance: Light schedule, simple activities, time to relax, best event is good company, atmosphere of acceptance, entertainment where there is plenty of time to enjoy it
Motivated by acceptance/respect
Lover #4 – True Blue Lover
- -Routines
- -Task-oriented
- -Predictable
- -Significant
- -Learning
- -Talented artists and musicians, but also have a dark side
Preferences in Romance: Do what you said you’d do, events that are discussed ahead of time, guided tours, meaningful entertainment, education outings, museums, historical tours, constant encouragement with flowers, notes, and sincere feedback, honest and complete discussions, long conversations, exploration of the emotional complexity of life, remember significant dates and details.
Motivated by structure/order
Hint: Turn the energy from negative to positive with an exercise routine or friend you call
Suggested resource: Wired That Way
“I’m proud of you.” – need to say this to men.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 – For everything there is a season. God planned them in so that we can grow.
Every 7 years we have a change in our lives. These changes can be opportunities to grow. Marriages are made and broken in the transitions of life.
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
“He Wishes For the Cloths of Heaven”
from the Collected Works of W.B. Yeats
This is my third post of sharing information from the NAME Marriage Conference. You may want to check out the first and second posts as well.
